Every hour

Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of
lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands,
threatening that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer
every hour.

ART OF GRADING

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
– All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
– Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them
in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to
mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
– All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
– What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
– Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an
A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
– Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
– If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
– Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
– Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play
the corresponding note. (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively)

Thumbs up

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, “if you don’t have $15, get the hell out of my cab”.

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
‘How much for a ride to the airport?’ he asked.

‘Fifteen bucks,’ came the reply.

‘And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?’

‘What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!’

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
‘How much for a ride to the airport?’

The cabbie replied, ‘Fifteen bucks.’

The businessman said ‘OK’ and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

Just Too Stupid

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:”Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?””Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.””What sort of trouble?””Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.””Went away?””They disappeared.””Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?””Nothing.””Nothing?””It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.””Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?””How do I tell?””Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?””What’s a sea-prompt?””Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?””There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.””Does your monitor have a power indicator?””What’s a monitor?””It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?””I don’t know.””Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?””Yes, I think so.””Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.””…….Yes, it is.””When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?””No.””Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.””…….Okay, here it is.””Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.””I can’t reach.””Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?””No.””Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?””Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.””Dark?””Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.””Well, turn on the office light then.””I can’t.””No? Why not?””Because there’s a power outage.””A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?””Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.””Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.””Really? Is it that bad?””Yes, I’m afraid it is.””Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?””Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Business Smarts

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:
BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:
LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:

MAIN ENTRANCE.

Farmers Courting

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.””Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

A long lost brother

A North Dakotan went to New York on a buisness trip. When the trip was
over, he took a taxi cab to get to the airport. The cab driver heard how
the intelligance of the North Dakotans lacks, so, he turned to the North
Dakotan and said “My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was my
sister, who was the 3rd?” the North Dakotan had no idea. “You Idiot! The
3rd one was ME!” The North Dakotan went home to his wife and kissed her.
“Hey, honey!” said the North Dakotan. His wife responded saying “What?”
The North Dakotan said “My mother had 3 kids, one was my brother, one was
my sister, who was the 3rd one?” His wife was stumped “I don’t know, Who?”
the North Dakotan responded saying “Some cab driver in New York.”

Murphy on Cops

Murphy’s Laws Of Law Enforcement

1. Bullet Proof vests aren’t.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and
choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you’ve been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash hiders don’t really.

9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,
he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
can.

19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you’ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boomer”.

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is “holed-up” in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker “holed-up” in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.