A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
Yo Momma is so dumb that when you told her you whanted to join track she said, but you cant swim.
A Priest and a Rabbi happen to sit next to each other on a long transcontinental flight. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?’The Rabbi responds, ‘Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.’The Priest asks, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’The Rabbi replies ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.’ The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the Rabbi looked up and asked the Priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?’The Priest replied, Yes, that is still VERY MUCH a part of our faith.’The Rabbi then asked, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’The Priest replied, ‘Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’The Rabbi looked deeply into the priests eyes, then looked down and nodded his head several times. He then looked back at the priest and said, ‘A lot better than pork isn’t it?’
Q: What is blue and shags old ladys?
A: Me in my lucky blue overcoat.
One night, as a drunk man went up the stairs to go to bed after
a long night fell as he was half-way up. It so happened that
there was a glass bottle in the back pocket of his jeans, so
when he fell, he cut his bum.
The next time he tried, he got up. He went to get a bandaid and
went into the bathroom to stick it on. He finally got it stuck
The next morning, when he recovered from his drunkness, he felt
his bum, to find that the bandaid wasn’t there anymore.
He decided to finally get up and out of bed, and as he went into
the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, he saw a
bandaid on the mirror!
Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”
The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes too! and he can blow smoke out of his ears.”
The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.”
“Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.
The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains in his underwear.”
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
…the other is used to carry groceries.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing
Here’s the story: I’m in McDonald’s, I ask for a medium coke. I’m told, “We
don’t have medium.” I say, “Fine, what do you have?” The braniac at the counter
says, “We only have small, large, and supersize.” I give him a stupid look and
say, “Just give me the one in the middle.”
– Give me a pack of condoms.
– What size?
– I do not know…
– Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
– I have changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board?
Yo mama so mad dat she throws dinner parties for the voices in her head,she cooks so bad that the family pray after they eat AND her face-lift went so wrong that she gets lippie on her earrings.
Luv from jenni.Hello 2 Sarah, Becca,Emily,Sam and all of the other cool peeps of jjsmtc!!!yeah baby yeah!!!
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads.”