A Woman’s Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when
they say things like, “You know sometimes I
forget to eat, now I’ve forgotten my address, my
mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.”
They say you shouldn’t say anything about
the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with
her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn’t give a shit.
They keep telling us to get in touch with
our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative
but I heard from it the other day after I said,
“Body, how’d you like to go to the nine o’clock class
in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body
said, “Listen bitch … do it and you die.”
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
Gay, straight … they all want blow jobs.
I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret
is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.
“If men can run the world, why can’t they
stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”