Because I’m a guy…

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll
miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we
call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh,
and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If
another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then
drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I
know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine
hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I
don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger–how the heck could HE know where we’re

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I
have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember
to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer
and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say
it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and
my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll
be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

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