Mickey and Minnie in Divorce Court

One day, Mickey and Minnie get into a fight and then they go to
Divorce Court. When the judge asks Minnie why she wanted a
divorce, she said, “Well, he’s a super, stupid, scientific,
butt-liking, pussay.”
When the judge asks Mickey why he wanted a divorce, he said,
“She’s crazy. And she was just fucking Goofy!”
The judge then says, “Mickey and Minnie Mouse, you are now a
divorced couple, just sign these forms to verify that you are.”

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3. Fox in Detox

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

5. Horton Hires a Ho

6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?

9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!

12. Are You My Proctologist?

13. Yentl the Lentil

14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15. Aunts in My Pants

16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!

17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

Never Winning Lottery

Every year at the state fair Fred entered the lottery for the
brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend Leroy,
he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” Leroy asked. He leaned closer
and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and
see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Fred grew more and more despondent as
the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,
no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he
glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing
any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a
sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her
even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger
etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Fred rushed to the raffle booth and played the
number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once
again, Fred lost. The winning number was 707.

4 parachutes

5 people are on an airplane, the president, the vice-president,
the smartest man in the world, the oldest man in the world,and a
little boy. the airplane is going to crash and there are only 4
parachutes. The president says..”Well the nation needs me so
i’ll take the first parachute” and he jumps out of the plane.
Then the vice-president says “well if the president’s shoot
doesn’t open then the nation needs me.” so he takes the second
chute. then the smartest man in the world says…”I am needed to
solve the math problems of the world” so he takes the third
shoot. The the oldest man in the world says little boy take the
last chute i’ve lived a long life, then the boy says ….”wait
we can both go the smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

Adam & Eve

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes
to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to
the gates.
“Who was the first man?” asked Peter.
“Adam.”
“That’s correct. Enter.” Soon another man came along.
“Where did Adam and Eve live?”
“Eden.”
That’s correct. Enter.” Then Mother Theresa came along.
“Ooh, I’ll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when
she met Adam for the first time?”
“Mmm, that IS a hard one.”
“Enter.”

Energizer Bunny Found Dead

The world was stunned by the news today, of the death of the
ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years old. Authorities believe that
the death occurred at approximately 8:42 p.m. last night.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and
going, and going. “Pinkie” as he was know to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief
Medical Examiner, DURA CELL, concluded that the cause of death
was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation.
Apparently, someone has put Mr. Bunny’s batteies in backwards,
and he kept coming and coming and coming and coming…………

Barney

I have recently discovered that Barney the purple dinosaur is
the pied piper leading our children into the clutches of eternal
damnation. Who else but such a hayness character could be
causing drug wars, school violence, and such?! So instead of “I
love you” make your children sing this (Not only will it save
them, but teach them some useful adult information.)

(To the tune of “I love You”)…

I hate you, you hate me
lets join up and kill Barney
With a forty-four shot gun
hit him at the door
no more purple dinosaur!

Old Ethel

Old Ethel loved to race her wheelchair around the retirement
home. Oneday while she was racing her wheelchair around the
halls like normal, she ran into an old man standing in the
middle of the narrow hall. “Stop,” the old man said, “your
speeding. I’ll need to see your licence.” So Ethel dug through
her robe pockets, pulled out a KIT-KAT wraper and handed it to
the old man. He looked at it for a moment handed it back and
said,”Here, your free to go,but I don’t wanna see you speeding
again,…ok.” with that Ethel speed off around the next corner
where another old man awaited her. “Stop! Your speeding.” He
says,”I need to see your licence and registration.” Again Ethel
dug through her robe pockets this time she pulled out the
KIT-KAT wraper and a pillow tag. She handed these to the old
man who glanced at them and handed them back. “Here, your free
to go, but, I don’t wanna see you speeding again.” With that
Ethel speed off around the next corner where a third old man
awaited her only this one was naked holding his penis in his
hand. “OH NO! Not another breathalizer!” Moaned poor Old
Ethel.

Easy Letter to Santa (fill in the gaps)

Dear Santa,

This year i’ve been an extremely ______ person. Infact I think
its safe to say that i’ve been much, much ______ than in
previous years.

Everything started off quite well; there was the incident with
the ______ but I don’t like to think about that too much, and
anyway lots of people have been caught in the ____ doing _____
with _____, and they got away with it.

Oh yeah, then there was the time during winter when I forgot to
cover up my _____, which of course meant that my _____ caught a
very bad cold and nearly died.

After that I thought that things could only get _____, to my
surprise however they got steadily _____ and _____.

There was the time I took _____ home to meet my _____. At first
everything was great! but then of course my _____ couldn’t hold
back and _____ all over _____’s face, it was perhaps the most
_____ moment of my life.

And getting that _____ stuck in my throat over dinner didn’t
help either.

One of my _____est moments from this year was when, for the
first time in my life, I bought my very own _____. _____only
cost me _____ and went for hours and hours. Unfortunately I had
to take it back to the shop the next day because it was _____.
They refused to give me my money back too, the bastards, they
said it was because I should never have _____ed it in the first
place.

Anyway Santa, apart from these minor occurences, I think that I
should be allowed some presents and my top three requests are
these:

_____, _____, and most importantly _____ with lots of ______
please.

I promise not to call you a _____ this year if you don’t give me
what I want, even though you’re as old as _____ and probably
twice as _____.

Merry Bloody Christmas,

(signed)_____.

A Mean Drunk

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
“You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, the winds around the building are so intense
that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you
around the building and back into a window”. The bartender just
shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that
could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove
it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor,
the high winds whip him around the building and back into the
10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the
window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.”
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,
10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a
SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,
“You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.