Those are my exact symptoms

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before the doctor. “I’m sure I’ve got a
liver disease, and I’m gonna die from it.” – “Ridiculous,” said the doctor.
“you’d never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there’s no
discomfort of any kind.” – “Right,” said Herman, “those are my exact symptoms!”

Letterman’s Bad Surgeon General

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You’re A Bad Surgeon General

10. You’ve got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought “Chicago Hope” was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called “flu-proof socks”.
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Escape from the Looney Bin

Two escapees are running across the roof of their mental institution when they come to the edge of the building. One of them jumps across to the next building, but the other is too scared.

The first one says I’ll turn on the flashlight and you can walk across the beam like a bridge, but the other says “How can I be sure you wont turn it off when I’m in the middle?”

Senior Thesis

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.

“My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup.”

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can’t see to pour my coffee.”

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.”

“My blood pressure pills make my dizzy.”

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.”

“Well, it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive.”

A group of psychiatrists

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for
their progressive rehabilitation methods. they begin by visiting some of the
patients. the first patient they visit is a young woman. she is practicing
ballet. one of the psychiatrists asks, “what are you doing?” she replies, “i’m
studying ballet so when i get out of here i can possibly join a troupe and be a
productive member of society.” “wow, that’s wonderful.” the next person was a
man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. the same question asked to
him, “what are you doing?” “i’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. so i can enter
medical school when i get out” room after room, they witnessed the incredible
success and attitudes of the patients. until they finally reached a room the
asylums director was reluctant to open. finally, he was persuaded to open it.
inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. the reaction of the
psychiatrist, “my god what are you doing?” the man replied: “i’m f****** nuts
and i’m never getting out of here.”

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc’s with a rash on his belly. “All right” says the Doc, “drop ’em and let’s have a look.” Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims “Yes, you’ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you’ve got. They’re truly remarkable!”.The patient is a bit embarrassed and says “Look Doc, what about the rash?””Oh that’s easy,” said the Doc, “Here’s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..””No,” said the patient, “You can’t. Now, is that all Doc?””Well, ” said the Doctor, ” You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I’ve ever seen!”The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.”What?” she yells, “Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven’t even got time to wipe my arse!””Ah” he said, “And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…”

How To Tell If You Work In An Emergency Room….

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.

5. You can identify the “positive teeth to tattoo” ratio.

6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity

8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.

12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.

14. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.

15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

16. You plan what you’re going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage.

17. You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan.

18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it sure is quiet around here.”

19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

20. You refer to Friday as “dump day”.

21. You believe chocolate is a food group.

22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.

23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their “Great Veins.”

24. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care facility”

25. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

26. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a celestial transfer.

27. You ever answered a “lost condom” phone call.

28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a “smurf”

29. Your idea of a really good time is duelling shock rooms.

30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide…getting it right the first time.”

31. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.

32. You have ever had to leave a pt’s room before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

33. You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls asking, “Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?

34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.

35. You have ever issued a “dead head alert”.

36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a “Shit magnet”.

37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is “What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?”

41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, “Who’s in charge of this mess anyway?”

42. When you mention vegetables you’re not referring to the food group.

43. You have used the words “healthcare reform” to strike fear in your co-worker’s hearts.

44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.

45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.

46. You believe a “supreme being consult” is your pts only hope.

47. You want to order a “dumbshit profile”.

48. You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.

49. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say , “No I don’t worry about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”

50. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.

51. Your patient states, ” I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

Doctor Visit

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination” said the young girl.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes
“No, not me” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, please stick out your tongue.”