Get off the corner

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.” No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?” “Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

Falling Times

Approximate time it would take you to drop from the top of Mount Everest: 2 1/2 minutes from the top of the Empire State Building: 10 seconds from the top of the Great Pyramid in Giza: 5 seconds from the top of Big Ben: 4 seconds asleep reading this joke: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What I’ve Learned

WHAT I’VE LEARNED…… I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing ‘Silent Night.’ Age 6I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13 I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there.Age 29 I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.Age 41I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card.Age 44 I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.Age 46 I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I’ve learned that singing ‘Amazing Grace’ can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from from the phone. Age 50I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage.Age 61 I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.Age 62I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.Age 64I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer.Age 72 I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several.Age 73 I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.Age 82I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the butt.Age 85I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.Age 92

The Motel and the Wrong Number

(Remember, this is on the INTERNET — proceed with caution.)Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else’s calls 24 hours a day didn’t make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.At 9 o’clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, ‘No problem. How many nights?’A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. ‘No, that won’t be necessary,’ Leola said. ‘We trust you.’The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers’ convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter’s wedding in June.Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.Once again Leola was helpful. ‘There’s no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.’Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, ‘We’re prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.’Leola replied. ‘We’ll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.’

Bad Writers

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books worth of entries. Some recent winners:10) ‘As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.’9) ‘Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.’8) ‘With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.’7) ‘Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.’6) ‘Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.’5) ‘Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store.’4) ‘Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.’3) ‘Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.’2) ‘Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear,’ a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.AND THE BEST OF ALL:1) ‘The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, ‘You lied!’

Stupid Car Theif

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

CW tunes – again

The Best and Worst Country-Western Song Titles: (These are NOT made up. These are actual song titles…) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away? I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me? I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now Mama Get A Hammer, (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him Please Bypass This Heart She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger You Done Tore Out My Heart, and Stomped that Sucker Flat You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

News: Ship Ahoy!

Real life news article:A Danish man set off a real-life sea rescue mission while playing with toy boats in his bathtub. The drunken 52-year- old called in repeated mayday alarms to the Maritime Sea Rescue Command as he piloted his water toys, claiming he was captain of a 12-crew freighter in distress. Giving a position west of the Baltic Sea island of Bornholm, which belongs to Denmark, he said his vessell was listing 45 degrees and that one crew member had been washed overboard. Authorities sent two rescue vessels to search the area for 90 minutes before police eventually traced the phone calls to the home of the intoxicated man, who admitted the false alarm.

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times

Includes some late night humor, and rec.humor.funny (rhf)

  • Britain returned control of Hong Kong to China this week. In a last minute decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
  • Now that Hong Kong has switched, it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be bothered during dinner by AT&T, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to switch again. (Miller)
  • China should be doing pretty good at this point – Britain gave them Hong Kong, and the Democrats are selling them Washington.
  • Washington has been experiencing a heat wave. It was so hot, people were standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly. (Leno)
  • Travel Advisory: Don’t go to the Republic of Congo. They’re having a fight.
  • The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, and senior citizens are upset. Senator Strom Thurmond responded, “These kids today, it’s always gimme gimme gimme.”
  • The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet. Most experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the net – America Online.
  • A dissident faction of Ross Perot’s Reform Party has broken off to form its own party. Politics are getting pretty bad when you have to reform the Reform Party. President Clinton responded to the UN Earth Summit criticism by endorsing tough new standards for clean air. It’s about time – twice during the ’96 Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky.
  • The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. Those people waited weeks for emergency help – never have a natural disaster in a year that doesn’t end with an election.
  • McDonald’s heiress Joan Kroc’s $15 million gift to North Dakota flood victims has spawned other philanthropy. Michael Kennedy offered to drive their baby sitters home.
  • Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow.
  • The only person happy with the outcome of the fight was Tyson’s new corner person – Lorena Bobbitt.
  • Mike Tyson used to be a world ranked prize fighter – now he’s just a two bit boxer.
  • A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. Did you know that ‘Mir’ is Russian for ‘Amtrak’?
  • The Air Force says aliens didn’t land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. They say they were just test dropping mannequins. Knowing what we know about the Air Force, they were probably blow up dolls.
  • Debate continues on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case. Most lawmakers think the military code is too strict. Of course, these are the same lawmakers who think the Sixth Commandment says, ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery’. I think if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court martialed for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS.
  • The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once – for example, one with Iraq and one with the ’90’s. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
  • The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits. The good news for them – they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they bought in the last year if they still have the receipts. (Leno)
  • As part of the agreement, the tobacco companies have to get rid of all their billboards. Pretty soon, Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man will be living in OJ’s guest house.
  • Smokers can relax, though. It’s still legal to smoke under water and on top of Mt. Everest.
  • And finally, following a lengthy illness, famed undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau has died. In accordance with his wishes, he will not be buried or cremated – his family will flush him down the toilet.

Be Black for Me

Here’s something that ran in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on 2/24/97. The author is Ethel Morgan Smith of West Virginia University. ‘Be Black for Me’I am glad February is almost over. It’s during this month that everyone is looking for me – or rather, anyone who can come and be black for them. I’m the only African-American professor in my university department of 50 faculty members. I reside in a world that is predominantly white and male: a land-grant state university with about 20,000 students, 5 percent of whom are African-Americans.During February, my mailbox is overflowing. Most of the mail wants me to represent ‘my people’ for some worthwhile organization during the month of February and February only. Sometimes the tone is pleasant. I generally accept those. Most often the tone is not pleasant. I group the mail into categories of ‘accept for sure,’ ‘decline for sure,’ ‘maybe’ and ‘I’ll get back to you.’ I’ve had letters that point out (if not in so many words) that their tax dollars pay my salary and they rightfully deserve a piece of me. The least I can do, these letters imply, is come and be black for them. I dump those requests in my recycling bin.I also get numerous calls. A pleasant woman from the arts council needed someone to attend her luncheon book-club meeting at her house. One of my colleagues, whom I haven’t even met, gave her my telephone number. Her group is thinking of including a black writer on its reading list next year. I accept her pleasant invitation. It doesn’t conflict with my calendar. I can be black that Wednesday.Someone knocks on my door. A graduate student, white male, wants me to be a member of his thesis committee. A portion of his writing will be on the impact of contemporary African-American women authors on American literature. He’s a good student. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I want to know when I can expect some of his work.Another student drops by. She is African-American and can’t decide if she’s angry with me or not. Last semester I thought she was being self-righteous (as I think many students are) when she screamed at me in class for selecting a novel whose protagonist, a black man, was married to a white woman. The student said that the protagonist wasn’t really black because he was married to a white woman. I blew up at her in class and asked her who made her God of Blackness? I don’t think I apologized to her. She wants to talk about what to do with the rest of her life. I suggest improving her grades. She leaves before I can thank her for coming.I get back to sorting the mail. Five more organizations have submitted requests for me to come and be black. Another knock on my door. It’s two white students, male and female, from last semester’s African-American literature class. They (well, he, since the male speaks for the female) liked my class and learned a lot, but thought they would offer me some advice. He tells me that the black kids, all four of them, wanted to speak too much in class when I asked for comments or specific questions about the text. I remind them that everyone was given ample opportunity to speak. The student tells me that it was also annoying that ‘they’ always sat together. I point out that all of the white students sat together as well. My two visitors leave.Someone else knocks on my door. It’s my colleague whose office is down the hall. He calls himself a folklorist. He, too, wants me to come and be black for his group. Another colleague drops by. A white male who’s fascinated by Africa wants me to know that if I have any interest in going to see my homeland, he is the man to help me get there. I tell him that Alabama is my homeland. My boss comes by next. He wants me to be a part of a new task force on diversity. I accept and thank him for thinking of me. I have to get home. It’s nearing the end of come-and-be-black-for-me month and I need my rest.

Drunk Accountant in the News

As true as it gets on the Internet…Howard Potter, 51, a spokesman for the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants in Wales, doesn’t really remember what he did New Year’s Eve but knows it must have been pretty bad. After hearing about his behavior, Potter took out a newspaper ad offering a “contrite, abject and public apology” to the people he “castigated, vilified, embarrassed or, worst, bored.”Unfortunately, it was the apology that got Potter in trouble with his employer. “We don’t object to him having a drink, but to how he drew it to public attention,” said the new spokesman for the ACCA, after Potter had been fired.