Redneck quickies 33

You might be a redneck if…

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”

Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.

You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

Redneck quickies 15

You might be a redneck if…

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.

You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Redneck quickies 25

You might be a rednack if…

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You’ve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.

You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You don’t think Jeff’s Foxworthy’s jokes are funny.

Every time you see a roadsign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.

You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

Your school dress code contains the line “Shoes Optional”.

One Smart Redneck!

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Merry Christmas Buddy”