Convention

I boarded an airplane in Boston and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. Low and behold, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation, I blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business”.

“I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer�, she responded.

“I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really�, I said, “what myths are those?”

“Well�, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

“I’m sorry”, she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto�, I said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Air TrafficControl

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?” Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.”
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PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.” The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high… San Jose Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?” Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

Dead scare

A man books a taxi for the airport.

The taxi arrives, the man loads his luggage and the taxi sets off.

Several minutes into the journey the man notices that the driver has taken a wrong turn.

He leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder to correct him.

The driver gives out an almighty shriek and rolls the car into a ditch.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Trapped in the wreckage the man questioned the driver, “What the hell happened there mate?”

To which the injured driver replied, “I’m really sorry about that but I’ve been driving a herse for the last 26 years!”

A snails pace

A snail was crossing the road when all of a sudden he got rolled by a turtle.

The next thing the snail knows he’s at the hospital, and the doctor asks him: “How did everything happened?”

The snail replied: “I don’t know, everything happened so fast.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

Crossing the border

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard.”Sand,” said the cyclist.”Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what is it you were smuggling?” “Bicycles!”

Things To Do At A Bus Stop

Things to do at a bus stop

1. Cross out the bus number and write a new number in.

2. Ask people if you can borrow some floss.

3. Bonus if they give you some.

4. Take your boom box and play it loudly, if someone askes you
to turn it off, turn it up and pretend like you can’t hear them.

5. Lay on the bench so nobody else can sit down.

6. Go tanning on the bench.

7. Ask the bus driver if he could wait while you go use the rest
room.

8. Try to ride your bike onto the bus, when you can’t, complain
that they should have bike ramps on the bus.

9. Leave ransome notes on the bench.

10. Stare at someone, when they stare back say, “Steve, I knew
it was you, how’s it going?” Keep talking until they get on the
bus.

Fun Things To Do On An Airplane

1. Hit the stewardess button and tell her that your friend next
to you is having a baby. Have your friend make all sorts of
noises. (Works especially well, if your friend is a guy)

2. Take the telephone out of its holder and attempt to strangle
the person sitting in front of you.

3. Hit the stewardess button as many times as possible and when
she comes, blame it on your stuffed animal. Say he gets
hyperactive riding on airplanes and does mischievious stuff.

4. Use the Call Button to ask the flight attendent on a date.

5. When the flight attendent comes around for drinks, request
food. When they ask what meal you would like, ask for a drink.

6. When you get your meal/peanuts or whatever, dump it in the
persons hair in front of you

7. Before you get on the plane go to the Sky Cap and ask them if
you can deliver this bag to Chicago, this one to Detroit, and
this one to Atlanta. If he says no, say, “Why not, you did it
last time.”

8. Have extremely loud conversations on which Olsen twin is more
talented

9. If sitting next to someone you don’t know attempt to stick
q-tips in various parts of the body (i.e. ears, nose, don’t get
too excited)

10. Bring on a CD Player and the Soundtrack to Saturday Night
Feaver. Dance until physically restrained.

11. Hold a Sing-A-Long.

12. Look out the window and point at stuff, claim you know that
person.

13. When they serve you your food ask them what it is and tell
them it dosen’t look edible. (most of the time the stewerdess
will agree with you)

14. Bring a live chicken on board. When you are given your food,
hide it and put the chicken on trey table. Press the call
button, and say your dinner needs to be cooked more.

15. Put your stuffed animal in the barf bag and say it found a
new home

16. Take off your trey table, and hand it to the person in front
of you.

17. If you are sitting at least 2 seats away from the aisle, get
up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If questioned say. I
think the gum is getting to me.

18. Pull down the oxygen masks and place all three on your head
at once.

19. Bring 2 Lobsters on the Plane. Paint Numbers on the back,
and race them down the aisle. See how many people you can get to
bet on this race. Have a board stating odds.

20. Bring a sock puppet on board, and communicate with everyone
with it. (please note, this works better with people older then
4) If someone questions the words of the sock explain to them
that they have affended the sock king and will be attacked by a
giant ball of lint.

21. Clip your toe nails

22. Play with the lights for about an hour. If someone asks say
your making strobe lights.

23. Select captains and play a game of tackle football in the
aisle.

24. Two Words: Strip Poker

25. Bring on board Spam and a hot plate. Cook the spam and offer
it to other passengers.

26. When the lady comes and asks you for a drink say “Vodka
Martini shaken not stired” and when she says your not old enough
shout and scream and pound your tray until you make such a
racket that she gives in.

27. Play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

28. Attempt to get on the PA and start a game of Simon Says

29. Demand that you get both the arm rests and shove the persons
arm off.

30. Every few minutes press the call button and ask the
steward/stewardess “Are we there yet?”

31. When you first get on, take the empty seat next to you and
pretend your invisible friend is there. When someone trys to sit
there scream and fuss and say they can’t sit on Joe.

32. When the pilot comes over the PA system cower in fear and
scream, “It’s those voices again!”

33. When you notice someone getting up to go to the bathroom,
immidiately jump out of your seat, run down the aisle, push the
person out of the way and bolt into the bathroom, stay in the
bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour.

34. When the flight attendent gives you there drink list ask
them for drinks not on the list, keep this up for at least 10
minutes.

35. If you_re on a plane that is showing a movie, find the VCR,
and put in a porn movie, this works particularly well when you
know the first movie would be one that younger children would
like.

36. Bring a trombone on board, while playing it, attempt to hit
as many people as possible with the slide of the trombone, then
yell at them for getting in your way.

37. Using a fishing rod attempt to catch other people’s dinner
off their trey table.

38. When sitting in first class ask for a big meal. Leave the
meal alone, and just eat the napkin, when the flight attendent
comes back to check on you, say the forgot your napkin. When
they come back with a new napkin, eat that one as well, keep
this up for the remainder of the flight, making sure not to eat
any of the food that they gave you.

39. When traveling through clouds, open an umbrella. When
experiencing Turbulence scream “Earthquake!” Then run into the
cock pit and hide.

Snake solves problem

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You’ve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Wake me up…

On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,
“Sonny boy, I think I’m going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.
Can you wake me up when we get to New York?” The Driver replied, “Sure
thing.” But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3
hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New
York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when
all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn’t change his mind.

Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old
lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she
said, “Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!” and went back to sleep again.

Portland Fair

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.

Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said

“Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”

And every year Martha would say “I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So Stumpy says “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”

Martha replies “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears them and says “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”

And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Expensive Hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York to. Afteralmost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take aroom, butthey only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. Hetells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’tworth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the maninsists on speaking to themanager.The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has anOlympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for thehusband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one ofthe shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from NewYork, Hollywood and Las Vegas performhere,” explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions,the man replies, “But wedidn’t use it!” The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up andagrees to pay. Hewrites a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised whenhe looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for$100.””That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with mywife.””But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.”Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

the man who broke down in his van

a man is driving along the highway in his van when he suddenly
hears a
“tttttttttssssss!” sound.
He pulls over and gets out of his van to see what the sound
was,he sees his tyre is flat so he gets the jack and starts
cranking up the wheel when a man comes from nowhere and smashes
his window and steals his radio.
The man with the burst tyre says”WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE DOING?”
The other man replys “well if your having the tyres i’m having
the radio”