1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a
“Nice hustle, you’ll get’em next time.” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day
off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.
5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would “Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps.”
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words… “Ally McNaked”.
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You
know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was
spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop, “Nice one, That’s
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill
and eat the losers.
18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to “I love you”.
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car.
25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.