Instrument Jokes

***** Violin Jokes

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist’s head is so much bigger.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They never get up that high.

String Player’s Motto: “It’s better to be sharp than out of
tune.”

Why is a violinist like a Scud Missile?
Both are offensive an inaccurate.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instrument?
Violins aren’t built with spit valves.

Why should you never drive a nail into your roof with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

***** Cello Jokes

Why are intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the cellos.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

***** Bass Jokes

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The pianist can do that with his left hand.

How do make a double bass play in tune?
Cut it up and make it into a xylophone.

***** Trumpet Jokes

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it and four to tell the first how much better
they could have done it.

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end
of a horse?
I don’t know either.

What’s the traditional greeting of trumpet players?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”

Minimum Safe Distance Between Street Musicians and the Public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone deaf guitar player who knows three chords: 75 feet
15 year-old electric guitar player with a Nirvana fixation: 100
feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

***** Drums

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why do drummers have S ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves in the parade.

How can you tell if a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

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