Your doctor and his staff may be harmful to your health. The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by real physicians. Hmmm, suspicions confirmed… * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. * She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. * The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * Discharge status: Alive but without permission. * The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused an autopsy. * The patient has no past history of suicides. * The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. * Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. * The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. * She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. * The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. * The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.* She is numb from her toes down. * While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. * The skin was moist and dry. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. * Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1995 when she got a divorce. * The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. * The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. * Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. * Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. * Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. * Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.* Skin: Somewhat pale but present. * The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. * Vomiting of unknown origin. * Admitted in error. * Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. * Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. * Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. * Dr. Blank is watching his prostate. * If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.