MOTHER’S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de
children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word?
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT! What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

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