The first profession

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.”Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.””Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied.”You can’t make a living on that.””Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”

Medical Records

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Long Division

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

No Refills

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true”, the woman
wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.” The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering,
then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO
REFILLS.'”

Women’s brains cost less

WOMEN’S BRAINS COST LESS…The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. ‘Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”Well, how much does a brain cost?’ asked the relatives. ‘For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.’Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, ‘Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”A standard pricing practice,’ said the head of the team, ‘women’s brains have to be marked down because they are used.’

Bear in Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says,
”Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, ”If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over
there.”

The bartender says, ”Go ahead.”

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ”Sorry, we
don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”

”What do mean,” says the bear. ”I’m not on drugs.”

”Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.”

Hillbilly in Hospita

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know any thing that’s going on.””Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man.”He don’t know nothing now.”

Oreo Psycho-Personality Test

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies
provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing – this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to
be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people
who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination,
but that’s OK, not to worry, you’re normal.

3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly.
You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of
being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if
you’re only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done
quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do
them. Mental breakdowns run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you
good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like
to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a
propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious
nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the
evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You
are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at
business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be
ashamed of yourself. But that’s OK, you don’t care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals
and seek professional medical help- immediately.

10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies. You probably come
from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and
wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima
Donna. There’s just no pleasing you.