Redneck Hotel

An older couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.

To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”

“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.

“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.”

“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room, this is the elevator!”

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Tantilazing

How to pack a Hippo

Packing HipposYou’ll need:1,000-gallon tank per hippo 1,000 gallons of water Crane 1-pound sedative Soothing hippo music 2 Aspirin (for you)How to pack:1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.3. Hold it, hold it – put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper. If you’d like advice from a veterinarian on moving with pets click here.

Yassir Arafat

Yassir Araafat’s last wish before he slipped into a coma was to convert to becone a jew. His wife asked him, but why oh glorious one, leader of the world would you want to become one of the accursed of the world? So that dear Suha there will soon be another dead jew.

Baby in the cab

A man come into the ER yelling, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady’s dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it’s obvious that he’s in the wrong one.

College Senior vs Freshman

College Seniors vs. Freshman
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation

Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Know a book–full of useless trivia–about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has his ‘own’ personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October…maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to the first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to the first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not *quite* failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every night.
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burnt down over the summer.

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional
Senior: Offers to ‘tutor’ conscientious frosh of the opposite sex.

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house.

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the
unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s
horizons and really make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about the new dryers in the laundry room.

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class.
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

300% impotent

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown