Realtor Doubletalk

Ever read realty ads and see all the nice things they say about
the homes for sale – but read between the lines to find out what
the ads are really describing:

Handyman’s Delight – Really a handyman’s nightmare! Better tear
the place down and re-build from scratch.

Great neighborhood near conveniences – on a noisy, busy street.
Near playground where street gangs congregate at night. Houses
are so close you can hear your neighbors breathing.

Acerage included – High taxes, high taxes, high taxes!

With a little imagination, this could be your dream house – see
Handyman’s delight

Income potential – If you want to invest a Donald Trump sized
bank account, you can convert this into rental property. Good
luck trying to collect from your deadbeat tenants.

Appliances included – but they don’t work. You’ll have to buy
new ones anyway and be burdened with disposing of the old ones.
Nobody gives up a good freezer, stove, washer or refrigerator.

Excellent starter home – it’s so small (how small is it?) you’ll
break the back window when you put the key in the front door.

Extensive deferred maintenance throughout – see handyman’s

Custom design – see entropy at work. This has a sunken living
room – literally. The kitchen had slid 50 feet down the hillside
after the last heavy rainfall. Skylights are really holes in the
roof left by a hurricane. Heated pool in cellar is created by
the leaking water heater.

For the discriminating buyer – You must have Bill Gates’ income.

Has floors, roof and windows – Wow! I always wanted those

Has possibilities – see handyman’s delight.

Peace and privacy – A hundred miles from anywhere. No
electricity, indoor plumbing or central heat. Chipmunks,
mosquitoes and bears are your closest neighbors.

Spacious, with catherdral ceiling – Think about fuel bills when
trying to heat this monstrosity!

On corner lot – Pedestrians, bikers and vehicular traffic make
short-cuts across your front lawn.

A great fixer-upper – Ever see the movie “The Money Pit”?

Be the frist to see this one – It’s been on the market six years
without an offer.

Has the elegance and charm of yesteryear – see Peace and Privacy
& Handyman’s Delight.

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