THE FACTS OF LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can’t buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Dave’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed. She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm. It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull. Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining. He’s as country as cornflakes. This is gooder’n grits. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.