The Top 15 Layoff Greeting Cards

15> Roses are red, violets are blue.

Al Gore’s out of work, and so are you.

14> Your writing was great!

Such a way with cards!

Now please leave quietly

Or we’ll call the guards.

13> We all know that you’re valuable,

You do so many things,

But we found someone for half your pay

With dreads and eyebrow rings.

12> Your poems were sublime!

Your work left us gaspin’!

But the prez wants to build

A new condo in Aspen!

11> Roses are red, violets are blue.

I wouldn’t get sick, if I were you:

You’ve lost your job, and your insurance, too.

10> Get Re-employed Soon!

9> We realize that on this solemn day,

A part of our company goes with you.

We strongly suggest that you put it back.

Signed, the guys in Security.

8> Don’t think of it as getting older.

Think of it as dying penniless after a meal of Alpo on toast.

7> You are invited to a layoff!

Date: Today

From: Management

For: Restructuring

Bring: Your belongings

6> During your times of suffering, when you could see only one

set of footprints, it was then that you had your feet on

the desk and your lazy ass was playing Minesweeper.

5> At writing cute poems, you were the bomb,

But now we suggest:

4> We hope this friendly greeting card

Will ease your post-job tension,

At least until you find that we

Have pissed away your pension.

3> In order to replace your work,

We’ll have to count on Tom.

We’re sure that he can handle


2> Your work was really wonderful,

But we have to boost our stock.

We’re really sad to see you go —

Please don’t rampage with your Glock.

1> You’ve been a great employee,

So diligent and true.

But there is no “i” in “our team,”

And now there is no “u.”

[ The Top 5 List ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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