The Top 16 Signs the Terrorists Have Already Won

16> Your daughter claims her scanty attire is a silent “anti-burqa” protest.

15> Multi-city panic results when reservoirs found to contain vast quantities of dihydrogen monoxide.

14> Tragically, our once-carefree lives are now forever burdened by the overwhelming seriousness of– Whoops, gotta go! “American Idol” is on!

13> Cameras once hidden discreetly in mascot costume’s head on shelf in women’s locker room now openly labeled “For Your Security.”

12> Thanks to the Patriot Act, the Man keeps hasslin’ me about having a freakin’ hot plate in my dorm room!

11> How else do you explain my many letters to Shania Twain coming back unopened?!

10> Your pickup line of “You’re the bomb!” now sends people running frantically toward the nearest exit.

9> Patriot Act fails to prevent Celine Dion from invading Las Vegas.

8> KFC now requires background checks and waiting periods if you ask for a friggin’ spork.

7> “Live, from Hoboken — it’s Saturday Night!”

6> America’s favorite pet is a canary in a carry-me-everywhere cage.

5> Mood rings now show only yellow, orange and red hues.

4> Alec Baldwin really *does* move to France.

3> Playing with bubble-wrap earns you a trip to Guantanamo Bay.

2> With the threat of random death now ever-present, “What the Hell?” 24-pack sales at Cinnabon are up 400%.

1> The FBI kicks in your front door when the kids watch their video of “Aladdin.”

[ The Top 5 List ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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