The Top 16 Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time

16> 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe

15> Bob Marley’s cause: freedom and equality

U2’s cause: third world debt relief

Your band’s cause: irritable bowel syndrome

14> All your members are allergic to Spandex *and* Aqua Net.

13> The term “heavy metal” refers to the collective weight of the band’s orthodontics.

12> Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.

11> “I’m sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn’t what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone.”

10> A Spice Girls cover band just doesn’t work if you’re 35 years old. And male. And there’s only one of you.

9> Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.

8> You’re too busy making sequels to “The Matrix,” and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.

7> Band motto: “Practice is for wusses.”

6> Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA

5> Your goals, in order of priority:

1) Score some drugs

2) Score some chicks

3) Score some instruments

4> Your band’s video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV — as a promo for “Jackass.”

3> Your female lead singer has talent — just not D-cup talent.

2> You keep letting David Lee Roth back in.

1> Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band “Closed For Private Party” was a big mistake.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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