16> 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe
15> Bob Marley’s cause: freedom and equality
U2’s cause: third world debt relief
Your band’s cause: irritable bowel syndrome
14> All your members are allergic to Spandex *and* Aqua Net.
13> The term “heavy metal” refers to the collective weight of the band’s orthodontics.
12> Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.
11> “I’m sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn’t what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone.”
10> A Spice Girls cover band just doesn’t work if you’re 35 years old. And male. And there’s only one of you.
9> Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.
8> You’re too busy making sequels to “The Matrix,” and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.
7> Band motto: “Practice is for wusses.”
6> Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA
5> Your goals, in order of priority:
1) Score some drugs
2) Score some chicks
3) Score some instruments
4> Your band’s video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV — as a promo for “Jackass.”
3> Your female lead singer has talent — just not D-cup talent.
2> You keep letting David Lee Roth back in.
1> Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band “Closed For Private Party” was a big mistake.[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]