The Top 9 Predictions for the Shortened NBA Season

9 . To make up for 30% fewer games, players compensate fans with 30% more crotch scratching.

8. Beer now $150,000 a pop.

7. New “NBA Star for a Month” promo allows lucky spectators to smoke pot, fire guns and speed without legal consequences.

6. 50-game regular season will almost be as exciting as the 339-game playoffs.

5. Old slogan: “It’s Fan-tastic!”

New slogan: “It’s Moneybag-nificent!”

4. To help recoup lost income, Laker Girls will add lap dancing to their repertoire.

3. Jazz upsets Pacers in finals by a score of H-O-R to H-O-R-S-E.

2. Thanks to some tricky wording overlooked by players’ union, Patrick Ewing must wear a “celery cap” during every game.

1. In an attempt fill vacant seats in arenas nationwide, local offspring of Shawn Kemp admitted free.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List ]

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