16. Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag… anywhere, any time, *any* bag
15. Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service agents at White House pool parties to apply stinging “rat tails”
14. “You’re Greek? Hey, come on up to my place tonight and we’ll lob a couple of missiles at Istanbul.”
13. 5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas’s “personal collection”
12. Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” should he feel like appearing in public wearing gym shorts
11. The “President’s Dozen” — 15 doughnuts for the price of 12 at all DC doughnut shops
10. Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row seats at any Wrestlemania event
9. In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there’s Gertie, the little-used corset-cincher left over from the McKinley administration
8. When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in the form of a question
7. Goodbye, Extra Value Meal — hello, Super-sized Extra Value Meal with Apple Pie and Milkshake!
6. Somebody piss you off? Make their yard a national park and it’ll be wall-to-wall Winnebagos.
5. Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps helicopter
4. One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term
3. Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera performances at Lincoln Center
2. Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Partiot missiles = 1 bitchin’ 4th of July!
1. Unlimited Murphy’s Oil to maintain Vice President’s natural wood-grain luster