I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army and because the
Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work
done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test
as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling
everyone by their first name because I know I’m not really in the military and I
find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of
life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware
of that fact.
After completion of my — snicker — “basic training,” I will be a lean, mean,
donut eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne
Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort
to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will
do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy
those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted — EVER — and understand that all those
whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________